Thursday, 22 March 2012

Men say the funniest things ...

So since coming back on the market, me and some friends have had some fun with my new found singledomness (if that isn't a word, then I have totally invented it). Most my female friends are coupled up, so they have taken it upon themselves to live through me to release the single girl inside them. One example was in February at Miss Koko's belated birthday night out in Cardiff. Even though it was her birthday, I was the one who drunkenly ended up having to part-take in dares. As a result I got talking to this group of guys, who were mostly gentlemen, apart from this one charmer. It is due to him that this blog entry has been inspired. It was what he said to me that has made me and my friends decide to record the things men say on nights out.

So this guy. We shall call him Pink Shirt Guy (PSG), was nothing special to look at, but clearly rated himself as a looker. I'm sure you all know the type of guy I mean. Anyway, I was talking to his friend when he pulled me away and said this corker to me:

"I think you're pretty and would totally go down on you, but I wouldn't sleep with you".

What the hell do you reply back to that!?!?

In my drunken state I think I sarcastically thanked him and walked away to tell my friend Miss Red Star what had just happened! So, after getting over the shock of that outburst, we continued talking to the rest of the boys and later on in the night PSG pulled me aside again and started his version of grinding with me. I think my face said it all as I was not impressed. Although his friends seemed amused by how oblivious he was, to how utterly uninterested I was in him. He then decided, that even though I was trying not to dance with him, it would be a good idea to invite me back to his hotel room. Suprisingly, or maybe not so, I turned him down. Even then he didn't take the hint and asked me why I had refused his offer. When I recounted our earlier conversation he denied saying it and tried to convince me to stay at his. When he still didn't take the hint that I wasn't interested, I ended up telling him that he wasn't my type and that his friend (who I'd been talking to throughout the night) was a much better catch. (Which he actually was! Much better dressed, much hotter and came across as a really nice guy). Me and Miss Red Star ended up practically running away after this, laughing about how men rationalise things in their heads. Although five minutes later a random guy with tattoos, (I am a sucker for a guy with tattoos), who we bumped into on our way to get food, bought us both a fake rose from a street seller, so that made us smile even more! I currently have the flower on my mirror at home and it makes me laugh thinking about everything that happened.

Since that night for the last month or so, I have recorded some of my favourite lines from men I have spoken to on nights out:

Stripey top guy: This was the guy I was speaking to when Hobbit kicked off (see boys and girls blog entry for the full Hobbit tale), and in his drunken state he said to me: "Wow, I love your necklace" (please see the pic below of the necklace in question, it really wasn't anything special). He then continued to stroke it... :s
A friend pointed out after, that maybe it was just a distraction so he could look down my dress. Although if he was trying to check out my boobs, he would have had quite the challenge considering I am only a B cup, so not exactly the biggest bust to perve on. However, once he stopped stroking the necklace, he proceeded to pick me up and spin me round, leaving me very very dizzy! I'm not quite sure why guys feel the need to pick girls up and spin them, around like a rag doll, but it happens to me quite often! At 5ft 6 I'm not particularly short either, but I must give off a vibe that says "pick me up and spin me round, you know you want to ;) ".

Pigtails guy: I have naturally curly hair, but often straighten it on nights out, (especially since getting a fringe again after 16 years. It requires to be straight, otherwise I end up looking like Heather Trott from Eastenders, which is not a good look!!!!). When I get hot, my hair develops a mind on its own and acts like someone tripping on acid, i.e. crazy, so that night I decided that pigtails would save everyone from my crazy ass hair that was bound to make an appearance in the heat of the club! So during a conversation with this guy, (someone I used to go to school with) he asks me if my hair is real? Confused? I know I was.After assuring him that it was all my own hair, normal chat resumes. The next day on Facebook  he starts chatting about last night. During the conversation he asked about my hair again.This time in more of a cheeky way. He asked if I was intentionally trying to be naughty by wearing pigtails, as according to him, past a certain age pigtails become naughty and part of school teacher fantasys. To say it was slightly awkward was a little bit of an understatement. So ladies, be aware that an innocent hair choice could be construed as something more naughty! 

Ben: I was quite sober talking to Ben, so I had a lot of fun with this one.
          Me: (waiting for Larry at the bar, whilst eating a lollypop, Ben starts talking to me)
          Ben: Have you just been into the mens toilet for that lolly?
          Me: No, my friend Larry just got me one as I love lollies on a night out! Keeps the sugar levels up.
          Ben: So... does your boyfriend mind you standing and talking to other men?
          Me: Ooooo I like what you did there. I don't have a boyfriend, but how do you know I don't have a 
          Ben: Because you don't look like a lesbian!
          Me: And what do lesbians look like?
          Ben: *pauses to think* Are you a lesbian?
          Me: No, but thanks for taking the time to ask. (Larry then joins us and I'm whisked off to the
                 dancefloor, whilst I tell him all about my encounter).

This one I have thrown in as my friend made me laugh by his attempt to use his powers of persuasion:

Setting: Friends 21st Birthday Party, sitting round the table with a stand of cupcakes mocking us, as no one
           wants to spoil how pretty they looked.
Dai-abetic: *starts rubbing his nipples* "you will eat a fairy cake!"
Laughter errupted after this! Dai-abetic, if the name hasn't given it away is diabetic, so couldn't eat the cupcakes himself, but apparently this was how he was going to seduce us ladies into eating them!

This one is a tale from Miss Koko, which if you are from South Wales will understand the context, if not I still think it is pretty funny:

Miss Koko: I had one guy squeeze my bum and when I turned round and said "what are you doing?"
he said: "do you have bf?
I said: "yes"
he said: "where is he from?"
I said:  "porthcawl"
he replies "you can do much better. I am from Swansea"

(For all of you who don't know, Porthcawl can be considered quite snobby compared to Swansea, so it was a slight down grade had Miss Koko taken him up on his offer).

I'm sure women also have some lovely lines they use when trying to chat up men, so don't let this come across as anything other than funny annecdotes from nights out that myself and friends have experienced. I have personally tried chatting up a gay guy when I was very very drunk. It wouldn't have been too bad if we weren't in a gay club at the time. SHAMED! I am not getting on a feminist high horse about how men behave, just amused by some recent encounters and the impending realisation that I may be single for a while if this is the kind of guy I attract :p I will try and update this from time to time with any more crackers!

Peace Out!
Random Quirky Girl x

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