... So I found something out yesterday that came as a shock, but not really a suprise! I have blogged in the past about my ex - the BFG - and it came to no suprise yesterday, to find out that he has pretty much had a new girlfriend since we split up! This is no suprise as it is his patter -he gets a girlfriend, gets bored, dumps them and moves on pretty quickly . He did it to all his exes before me, so why should I be any different, right? What came as a shock was the reason he claimed we split up originally. He said it was because he needed to be single and rediscover himself. The thought of being with anyone made him unhappy, and that although he was still in love with me, it was something he needed to do. I accepted that reasoning and even felt a little sorry for him, as he has always been a slightly fucked up guy. What hurt the most was that it has now been proven that it was a blatant lie! If he had just come out and said that he no longer loved me and that he had met someone else (someone he works with incidently and I have suspected fancied for a while anyway), then the healing process would have been done and dusted 3 months ago and the pain you feel over breaking up with your first love would be a lot easier to handle by now. The worst thing of all is that my friend told me about it, after one of her friends bumped into them on a night out. He hadn't even had the decency to just drop me a text saying he had met someone new, as a kind of last act of kindness. So much for his claims in the past that I was his first love and that even when we split up he didn't want to hurt me because he cared for me. Another lie! I had avoided checking his facebook page since the split, as I would rather be oblivious to what he is up to, than sit there like a crazy person stalking the page, but according to my friend it has been up there for months. I hope deep down that they genuinly make each other happy, but I can't help feeling stupid that I trusted him when he had claimed that he still loved me, but just needed to be alone! So the healing process begins again I suppose. One sleepless night later and a cleansing must, of ripping up all the photos of him I still had in a box of things and binning all the cards he sent for birthdays, christmas, etc, that I had kept for sentimental reasons and I am feeling a little better. Well, I still feel super stupid, but hopefully I should sleep tonight!
My problem has always been that I am faaaaaaar too trusting in people. I will always see the good in people and this is often when I get walked all over and used, and I still try and see the good in people. As a result I have cut a few people out of my life over the years, as I cannot tolerate being lied to time and time again. I will always give someone a second chance, as we are only human at the end of the day, but to constantly be taken for a mug, well to tolerate this just makes me a massive idiot! I suppose my sperm donor is a prime example of where my trust issues stem from. Being lied to again and again by your own father is a pretty rough deal - this is what lead to us being estranged, as I had just had enough of the lies. But it has always given me major trust issues and in particular with men! I have always felt they will just screw me over and leave me feeling worthless. In the past I have refused to believe guys when they said they liked me, as I thought it was just a joke and Iwould be left red faced. Over the years my friends have joked about my inability to ever settle with a guy in the past. Prior to my two years on and off relationship with the BFG, the longest relationship I'd had before that only ever lasted around three months and then I got itchy. I'd freak out and just finish the guy, or I wouldn't even get involved with them for fear of getting hurt. There was this one guy, Linguini, (as he looks like the cartoon character from Ratatouille - coincidently a film we went to see on our second date). We text one another for well over a year, even though we had only gone on two dates the entire time and when it came down to the crunch and he asked if this was heading anywhere, I ended it. He is quite a camp guy, (although he would kill me for typing it), and that was enough to put me off and was actually the reason I told him it was over as I thought he could be gay. He is a genuinly nice guy and in fairness made me laugh and smile for the whole time we knew each other, but I just couldn't do it. The thought of trusting this guy not to hurt me, just put a wall up and that was that. I've recently bumped into Linguini and we both now laugh about it. We both agreed it was for the best that nothing ever happened between us. Although when drunk I still see the gay man in him come out!
I suppose I must have grown up from that immature and insecure 18 year old girl who refused to commit, when two years later I took a punt on the BFG. When we hit the 3 month mark, I even made him a card to congratulate him on passing the usual flight mark, as I had warned him what I was like from the beginning. I was always honest about my mega trust issues, and when we were good, he was the perfect boyfriend in fairness. And whilst I don't regret it, I do feel sad by how things have ended. But then again, I am a strong believer in fate and destiny and as my Mum pointed out last night, we were just too different for one another, so we would have never lasted long term. Whilst I know I am not the first person to ever get their heart broken, and that in a few months time and over the years to come, I will look back on this with friends and family and laugh about it all. But there just seemed something theraputic about blogging about it. This chapter of my life has finally come to a close, and whilst at the moment, emotions are still high, time is a great healer and I feel a lot happier about committing to someone again in the future...well as long as I can get the flighty girl inside me under control. For now I am just going to work on making me happy and if someone should come along then great, but if not then that is fine too! I'm only 23 and I think it is about time I started to live my life like a 23 year old and not worry about the future etc.. Time to just go with the flow for once and see where it leads me :) Slightly scared but also excited by this prospect too!
Random Quirky Girl x