Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Baby if you could would you go back to the start?.......

......... Take any fresh steps or watch it all fall apart again?

So, the Toy Boy and me have split up. Why are you blogging about this I hear you ask? Well they say talking about things is theraputic and so I am going to blog as my rememdy. Plus it's my blog and I will blog if I want to.

I have sat about thinking for the last 2  days about everything that has happened. Like 95% of Women out there, I have thought about everything over and over in my head. I went through stages of anger and upset. Then came denial that he will turn around and say he made a mistake, but eventually reality set in and I realised that it is over and there is nothing I can do about it. I am done with fighting for us, as you are always going to lose when you are the only person trying. Don't get me wrong, most of the brief time myself and the Toy Boy were together it was really good. He got on really well with my friends and family, which is incredibly important to me. At the beginning, he would surprise me with emails of pieces of graphic art that he had designed for me whilst I slept, (he is a graphic design student, not some creepy weirdo) and when he went back home over Easter, surprised me when he came to stay with flowers and chocolates. It was very romantic of him and although I didn't say it at the time blew me away, as I had never been woo'd like that before. When he wanted to be he was the perfect boyfriend and I thought that maybe, just maybe I had got it right this time. He filled my head with ideas that we had a future. He told me he was willing to stay in Cardiff post-uni, in order for us to make a good go of it and he even got angry when I suggested at the start, before things got serious, that this was more of a brief fling until he moved back home.   However, over time things changed and other issues started to affect us. I won't discuss these issues publically because it is not my place to talk about it, but those who know me know what I mean. It was like the giant elephant in the room and he liked to ignore it. And no it was not problems in the bedroom department if that is what you are thinking, he just had issues that he could not face and so it festered. I think I got to close to discovering the real him and it freaked him out. I have always been honest that I need complete honesty when in a relationship. Once he started to close off from me, I knew we were going to drift apart, but he kept telling me this is what he wanted and I believed him. Maybe I need to learn not to trust people at their word, but life would be very dull if you were cynical about everything that is said to you.

The thing I cannot get my head around, and maybe a wise person out there can explain it to this dizzy blonde, but he says he loves me so much and was surprised by his feelings, but that he has to walk away for my own good. Surely if you love someone as strongly as he has claimed, you do anything but walk away? Surely, if the feelings are THAT strong you fight for what you want? Maybe it is the deluded romantic inside me who sees the world through rose tinted glasses, but this is the one thing I am unable to get my head around.

But, unlike with the BFG, I have decided not to sit and dwell and scrutinise why this relationship failed, as then you get into some pretty dark and deep shit. Instead, I have decided to just get back out there. Find someone who isn't afraid of his feelings and will just be there for me. I am sure along the ride I will face more ups and downs than a badly designed rollar coaster, but surely that's part of the learning curve? There was a time where I would have sat and cried and become an emotional wreck, but enough is enough! Instead I am going to use my week off work to sort myself out and on Monday the 17th June, I start the next chapter in my life. I will be starting a new job as a paralegal in Cardiff and it seems the perfect timing to start over again.

I guess there is someone out there for everyone and I will always think of the Toy Boy with good memories. If he ever read this, I would want him to know that he is an amazing guy and once he sorts things out, he will make an amazing boyfriend to some lucky girl. He just needs to work on his self belief and once he has tackled this hurdle there will be no stopping him.

Oh well, here's to the future and future adventures, mishaps, drunken texts and many memories :)

Peace Out

Random Quirky Girl x